Dave Filoni Anointed “The Filoni-ous King” Of Star Wars, Explains His Reasons For Ascending To Liege Status (Satire)

The King is Dead!  Long Live the King!

Note:  This article is (mostly) satire.

Star Wars Fans!  I bring (glad?) tidings!

Hearken unto me, and gather your dear ones near! I say unto you that on this day, the true holder of Star Wars knowledge – nay, the prototypical Whill himself – has finally clasped his cloak of office about his shoulders, donned his crown, and taken up his scepter.  I give you – our Filoni-ous King:

On this historic day, the 21st day of November in the year of our Lord (Filoni), 2023 – be it known that David Filoni the First began his glorious reign as Chief Creative Officer of Lucasfilm Limited.

When asked for the business justification behind his elevation, Filoni was quoted:

In this new role, it’s opened up to basically everything that’s going on. When we’re planning the future of what we’re doing now, I’m involved at the inception phase.

He further elaborated:

The hope is that we can gain efficiencies in the company by failing even faster.  Getting in at the very beginning of a project lets us undermine the foundation before production even starts.  It’s a wonder we hadn’t thought of this before!

Industry pundits and analysts have debated whether the new job title is a distinction without a difference, but the clear-eyed amongst you will recognize that this does change the production pipeline in some serious ways.

Prior to this change, King Filoni the First had creative control of his own projects, but could only consult on projects not formally under his purview.  Because of this, some projects might unintentionally have understandable plots, interesting protagonists, three-dimensional characters, and stakes.

While rare, these accidents did engender hope in the fan-base, allowing some hangers-on to believe that surely a retcon of previous Disney material was right around the corner.

Given these momentous events, I was able to travel to Lucasfilm Limited for a brief interview.

Q:  Greetings my liege.  Congratulations on your ascension to the throne!  My readers would first like to know, why have you taken the title of “The Filoni-ous King?”

There are three main reasons. First of all, it’s a fun pun based on my last name. George gave it to me actually. Secondly, it came about because we built a long-term PR campaign around the Clone Wars, and the idea of rehabilitating some of the Prequel Movie rough spots for the younger generation.  That was great for the cartoon crowd, and if you didn’t watch them you wouldn’t know what you were missing.  After George sold the company, I was able to position myself as the savior and guardian of Star Wars lore.  I sort of forgot to mention George in some of that.

Q:  And the third?

Well, it’s not common knowledge – but Jon Favreau was up for a similar but even bigger post back when Little Bob was still around. You know what happened there. Kathleen offered me my previous promotion and 30 pieces of silver after the surprise management change to override his creative decisions going forward, and the rest is history. I guess you could say I really owe it all to Kathleen.

Q:  You mean to say you stabbed your friend and second creative mentor in the back?

Well – maybe a little.  But it was with a lightsaber – those don’t do damage anymore, didn’t you watch Ahsoka? We couldn’t have any more surprise appearances of certain Skywalkers, or actual strong women showing up.  The audience might start thinking in ways contrary to the party narrative!

While considering his words and Supreme Emperor (no take-backs!) Filoni’s previous contributions to Star Wars, I had mixed emotions. At times, Filoni has seemed to be quite eloquent in his defense of the prequels – particularly when discussing the Duel of the Fates in the Phantom Menace.

Of course, this is also the man who obsessively focuses on his own creations, to the detriment of previous lore and other superior stories. Like the next-door neighbor kid who insisted on taking over the story when he came over to play, there’s a tendency to leave everybody feeling empty and frustrated and like they just want to go home.

I had hoped to ask my liege lord Filoni about this, and to get his take on the storytelling going forward, but he was forced to take a phone call – my time for the interview had run out.

I waved goodbye as he spoke on the phone, but I was able overhear some words of the conversation as I left.

Yes Kathleen, the Rey movie is moving forward.  Yes, of COURSE it’s a musical.  Oh yeah – SUPER Lame and Gay.

NEXT: Dave Filoni Won’t Let His Characters Die… and It’s Killing Star Wars