My Next Cultural Internet Pet Peeve: “Blatherware”

You’ve all seen it—and I just named it. Blatherware is rampant on the internet these days. What do I mean by Blatherware? Sit back and I’ll tellya.

You knew that I would…

You see a headline such as “The Tragic Story Of This State’s Horrid Decline In Enjoyment Of An Iconic, Beloved Delicacy!” You’re curious. In the more sophisticated forms, based on what you’ve told your browser to reveal, they even fill in the state with YOUR home state to draw you in further, so…you click and open the story.

A quote from Maria Konnikova – YouTube, TedEd

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Now don’t get me wrong. I like context. I like to know “the back story” of any story or fact. Contextual preludes to interesting things are GOOD. But…in this case? When you click that story open?

What you get is eight, ten, twelve or more paragraphs about how it’s a sad truth that certain traditional foods fall out of favor, how our cultural culinary heritage is being erased by such modern and fickle trends and what a loss to all of us and to future generations this is.

Yadda-yadda-yadda for graph after graph after graph until, maybe 15 or 20 LONG run-on-sentence-filled paragraphs later, what you find out is that official agricultural stats from your state’s dept. of agriculture say that you and your neighbors are eating 1.2% fewer rutabegas this year than you did last year. And last year was trending down too! And, oh dear GOD, what will the rutabaga farmers do if this horrific abuse of the “iconic” veg continues!? (And yes, in this age of vocab inflation, EVERY tuber is an ICONIC tuber, right? Right.)

You read sixteen graphs and what do you aquire? Another day older and deeper in the mire. St. Peter dontcha call me ‘cause I can’t go. I gotta read another page to find how rutabegas grow….

A clickbait headline – YouTube, TedEd

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WHY do they do this? Because alongside, above, below, and within every one of those endless, pointless, “cut-to-the-effing-chase already!” paragraphs of, yes, Blatherware (I am quite convinced written, despite any byline, by AI bots) are….ADS! And the ADS have similar clickbait headlines, graphics and themes of impending disaster, preferably referring to “iconic” celebrities, cities, etc. etc. etc.

And if the bots are REALLY good and you’ve been REALLY active online without guarding your personal details, they know how old you are, what ailments you MIGHT have for your age, and are pitching “This ONE thing you can do..” to clear up your toenail fungus, wrinkles, sore back, aching feet, or 1001 other ailments you MIGHT have based on your demographics that they’ve collected about you or people in your age group, gender (the real one,) or socio-political frame of mind.

I like to think of myself as a very curious person, and I like to think I’m interested in finding out curious facts, interesting trends, illuminating statistics, and other random knowledge that might help me better understand our ever-changing culture and world.

That’s why I enjoy so much REAL knowledge, speculation, and insight to be found in our network of video presentations and on this website.

But dammit I’m fed up with Blatherware.

U.S. Army Staff Sgt. “Papa Jake” Larson poses with granddaughter Mckaela following a special Flag Retreat ceremony where the veteran was honored. – Disney Parks Blog

Life, including the time you spend doing productive work, enjoying the blessings of family and friends, cooking a new recipe, visiting an interesting place you heard about online, AND the time you SAVE by avoiding the negative….is VALUABLE. Just imagine this proliferation of Blatherware as the online equivalent of the feeling you get when confronted with the “self-check-out” aisle at a store and say to yourself “I don’t work here, why should I do what they used to have paid employees do for me?”

SO let’s stop. Stop clicking on those intriguing headlines.

You might miss something you’d like to know, but I’ll bet that an offer to tell you what “disturbing trend” in your state is happening under your nose regarding the water purity in nearby Podunk is findable faster by a search engine. And yeah, they have Blatherware a-plenty too, but at least YOU can cut to the chase by asking the specific question that clickbait headline says it will answer for you…after a not-so-brief bit of “emersion” in their sponsors, their positively “iconic” sponsors.

Blatherware. Stop it. Ignore it. Reject it. AND reject ANY product, service, or company that uses it to try to sell you stuff and ANY website that engages in it to waste your valuable time. Treasure your attention span—because it is clearly the thing about you that is most in demand by the Blatherware Bums. And they really do not deserve it.

Not one bit.

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