Walt Disney World Resort has struggled as of late with Imagineering projects. The once-vaunted group of engineers and artists at The Disney Company have recently come under significant fire for being incompetent. Tiana’s Bayou Adventure has had significant operational issues despite simply being a reskin of a classic attraction. The lighting for Epcot’s “World Celebration” stopped working within days of its release. Septic smells waft through the air with striking pungency near Moana’s splash pad in “World Nature”. A recent re-do of Jungle Cruise was so focused on implementing modern virtue changes that it failed to address infrastructural concerns that later led to the attraction having crumbling buildings.
But perhaps the biggest blunder of them all is now underway with a plan to fundamentally change Magic Kingdom forever. Quick reminder: Magic Kingdom just so happens to be the most important asset in the entire Disney Company portfolio. Walt Disney World drives about one-third of all Disney’s profits, and Magic Kingdom is the keystone that makes it all possible. Changing it dramatically should be done with extreme caution. Unfortunately, that’s not what Disney is planning.
Concept art for Frontierland expansion via Disney Parks Blog
After an outcry and backlash that should have embarrassed Disney Company leadership, Disney is still planning to move ahead with an off-road Cars attraction that will have guests not riding with the Cars characters fans already know. Instead, customers will board off-brand, original vehicles to zoom around a supposed dirt track outdoors in an area that is currently occupied by the pristine and beautiful Rivers of America. Yes, you read that right: Disney seriously plans to demolish a full-blown river, a scenic island, and take away the Liberty Belle boat that is iconic to Walt Disney World Resort. It is insane, but that’s the current state of Disney leadership — and please do not forget that they have all the land they ever need to build expansions. In other words, this is another virtue signal move intended to destroy any reference to Mark Twain literary works because… well… modern messaging.
But just when you thought this couldn’t get any worse, Disney VP of Parks and Experiences, Josh D’Amaro, said “hold my Dole Whip.”
At D23 in Brazil, the company released supposed “test footage” of the ride system that will be used for the attraction. Not only is it laughably bad, it’s also impossible that it will ever be used. First, watch the ridiculous “reveal”, then I’ll explain:
BREAKING 🚨 D23 Brazil has previewed simulated footage created by Disney Imagineering for the new Cars attraction coming to Magic Kingdom. This looks dope!
pic.twitter.com/CVehArFBbb#d23Brazil #D23Expo #D23 #Disney #Wdw #DisneyParks #MagicKingdom
— Max Taff (@VigilanteVibes) November 9, 2024
Let’s walk through this together, shall we?
We’ll begin with the idea that Disney is going to put a giant dirt track in Florida and have their vehicles run on it. Again… in Florida. Would you like to guess how many days it rains in Florida? Would you like to estimate how often it rains just in the summer alone? And you want me to believe they’re actually going to put a “dirt track” in Magic Kingdom, outdoors, for guests to ride around on. Not even Kilimanjaro Safaris in Animal Kingdom is on dirt — it’s colored concrete and asphalt to create the illusion. A real dirt track would be mud half the time in Florida. So right off the bat, this supposed “test footage” is nonsense. You literally can’t put this in Florida for reasons anybody with half a brain understands.
Alright, so let’s then say the gimmick of this reveal is just more Disney silliness and we all know it’s going to be concrete or some other non-permeable track for the cars to run on. Okay, cool. The next thing the “reveal” wants us to believe is that Disney has really done something special by making autonomous vehicles that can “race” without any physical rails keeping the car on the track. Unfortunately for Disney, again, it seems that having a working brain makes this so ridiculous as to be insulting.
Question again… if it rains on a non-permeable surface, thus making it wet, is Disney really going to allow autonomous vehicles to drive on a wet surface at any speed whatsoever without physical constraints?
Concept art for Disney’s unnamed Cars attraction at Magic Kingdom
If you said “no”, give yourself a pat on the back. You’re smarter than Disney executives think you are.
Another question: If the vehicles run along a track and don’t deviate, what does it matter if there’s a physical way of keeping the car on the track versus it being “autonomous”?
If you said, there’s no difference, again, another pat is in order.
In other words, either this entire announcement is nonsense or this ride will literally be inoperable half the time. It rains in Florida, therefore it can’t be real dirt. It can’t be without any rail or physical boundary, because it’s a safety hazard anytime the structure is wet (or muddy if we actually want to believe that one). The whole thing is either a farce of an “announcement” meant to fool simpletons, or Disney truly has lost their minds. And just to really capitalize on this point… let’s just say they somehow use magical, synthetic dirt particles made in a factory somewhere that absorb all the Florida water and keep the ride running regardless of weather. Let’s just imagine that having the vehicles be driven autonomously without rails actually had any impact on the experience. Even in that scenario, you’re literally riding at 5mph on a dirt track. There’s basically no where in American where you can’t do that already for less than twenty bucks.
So go ahead, Disney. Bulldoze and fill in Rivers of America and Tom Sawyer Island. The folks at Universal Studios and Dollywood are just begging you to do it.
