Is Greenville SC safe? Or has a masked vigilante descended upon these peaceful streets, armed with… kindness, CPR certification, and a dedication to not letting people drown near brunch spots? We’re talking of course about the masked menace that has come to be known as Greenville Spider-Man.
Ladies and gentlemen, citizens of the Upstate — we face a moral crisis. A crisis in spandex.
Because the Greenville Spider-Man is out there right now — lurking! Patrolling! Picking up trash! And yes… saving innocent civilians from waterfalls like some sort of well-adjusted superhero instead of lecturing us about toxic fandom like TRUE heroes do!
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Reports indicate this 18-year-old “wall-crawler” recently leapt into action at Falls Park. The masked mystery man himself explained his daring so-called rescue.
“So, I saw one of them almost slip and fall, and I was like, all right, this is time to go,” the menace himself said. “And I booked it over there and I jumped over some rocks to get over there. And thankfully there was an indent to where I could put my feet like this and prop myself up. And then they grabbed my wrist, and I pulled them up.”
Jumping over rocks? Pulling citizens to safety? What’s next — escorting grandmothers across crosswalks? Making sure kids don’t drop their ice cream on hot pavement?
This is chaos! Very polite, helpful chaos!
Greenville Spider-Man poses for a selfie with a cop – Instagram, @complex
And unlike other masked crusaders with questionable motivations (looking at you, Charleston Batman…), Greenville’s version seems to be actively listening for trouble. Literally.
“So, I turn on my EMS scanner, and I listen for anything going on, and I have notes of which streets I should be on,” this threat to society exclaimed.
That’s right — a young man who voluntarily helps emergency personnel. A walking embodiment of civic responsibility.
AKA a menace if there ever was one!
Greenville Spider-Man fist bumps a kid – Instagram, @complex
But it gets worse. He claims he’s trying to be… kind.
“My intention is to help the people of Greenville, protect and honestly spread kindness along the way,” the so-called hero proclaimed.
Kindness?! In public?! On our streets?!
How will society survive?
When he’s not rescuing park-goers, this danger to society can be seen picking up litter, greeting tourists, and posing for photos with kids.
Truly terrifying behavior.
He even describes himself as a “friendly downtown Spider-Man,” so I’m sure Disney and Marvel legal are working up a firey cease and desist any day now.
This raises serious journalistic questions:
- Where does he keep all the smiles he hands out daily?
- Who authorized this level of wholesomeness?
- Is he union? I shudder to think this menace could be a scab…
Rumor has it he can be seen patrolling downtown Greenville. So he’s out there, in the shadows — offering help. Providing safety.
Outrageous.
Look, Greenville — we here at That Park Place are simply asking the questions other outlets refuse to address.
Questions like:
- Why won’t this hero take a day off?
- Who gave him permission to brighten people’s day?
- Are those behind the scenes already hard at work on a female replacement?
Greenville Spider-Man poses for a selfie – Instagram, @complex
Time will tell whether Greenville’s greatest danger is an 18-year-old who genuinely cares about people. But until then, remain suspicious. Report all sightings of heroism immediately.
And if you encounter him?
Smile. Wave. Maybe thank him for being proof that the real world can still produce good people — even if they wear spandex to do it.
Because satire aside: Greenville Spider-Man, you’re doing incredible work. Keep it up, kid. Your city sees you.
Just don’t expect us to stop pretending you’re a menace. That’s half the fun.
That Park Place wants photos of Greenville Spider-Man. Send all submissions to mmontanaro@thatparkplace.com. No payment will be rendered for any photos received. Exposure is the best thing in the world for a kid your age!
What are your thoughts on this Greenville Spider-Man? Sound off in the comments and let us know!
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