I’ll just start by saying that I think the original Jurassic Park is one of the greatest movies of all time. It’s up there in the historical pantheon of classics everyone should see at least once. I also thought Jurassic Park III was fine and Jurassic World was pretty good. But when it comes to Jurassic World Dominion, it pains me to say that my opinion is far, far different.
I believe that Jurassic World Dominion is the worst movie so far in 2022 and one of the worst movies I have ever seen. Had I not been reviewing the movie, I might have left the theater in the first third… and it would have been the right decision. I can count on my hand the number of movies I have walked out of.
Spoilers Ahead
There is almost no character development in this film. If there is character development, it occurs at intense moments with dialogue that should never happen in moments of life or death. Female characters suddenly share intimate thoughts on off-topic issues right as a dinosaur is ready to eat them. Just like character development is non-existent and nonsensical, so to are the actions sequences strung together in a way that makes absolutely no sense. Characters who were not in the area suddenly appear out of nowhere just in time to join an action scene with no explanation as to how they arrived. It doesn’t matter and neither does this film.
The CGI is also just terrible. I don’t understand how this was approved for theatrical release. There are many times, perhaps most of the times, when dinosaurs look far worse in this movie than in the nineties original. Particularly bad are baby dinosaur renderings and practical puppets. They look like toys, not anything real whatsoever.
The plot of the film is stupid, the bad guy is an Elon Musk parody (complete with Hyper Loop reference) who is never threatening in the least, none of our heroes are ever believed to be in danger and there is no tension whatsoever. The acting by some of the participants is just cringe-worthy and I found the whole film painful to watch. The script has us jumping from place to place, never caring about anybody in the places we just jumped into. Perhaps the very worst, however, is Laura Dern’s character who just spits out political college talking points that make no sense. One minute she’s tackling industrial farming, the next she is telling someone how to be a female role model. And all of this is to save a clone kid with special blood, plus a baby raptor, so they can put a disease into giant grasshoppers that will alter their DNA and kill them. Yes, that’s really the plot.
The movie ends with a message for us to coexist. I wish to never coexist with this film ever again. When the T-Rex defeats an allisaurus (or gigantisaurus or whatever the **** it was) through the help of the people and an Edward Scissorhands dinosaur (this has nothing to do with anything else in the story mind you) and we finally get to the end of the movie, I was happy to finally be able to leave.
To give you an idea of how bad this film is:
Jurassic World Dominion is like Indiana Jones and the Crystal Skull, but the entire movie is just Shia LaBeouf swinging through the trees with the CGI monkeys. For two hours.
Score: 1.5 (Terrible)
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P.s. I’d rather watch a nine-hour marathon of Doctor Strange in the Multiverse of Madness back-to-back-to-back with no bathroom breaks than watch Jurassic World Dominion even once more.
*cough* Admiral Holdo…
It was as if Holdo were the character being played instead of the original paleontologist.
The dinosaurs in the first Jurassic World was already many levels below that of Jurassic Park……. not sure what people were expecting cause the entire Jurassic World franchise has always been Transformers movies level of bad.
Well, you ain’t seen nothing yet. I’d tell you to watch this just to see how bad it can get, but I really can’t condone that sort of self-punishment.
I’m sure there’s a purple haired female dinosaur that kills a mean orange colored male dinosaur.
This is so hilarious. If the movie is a 1.5 your review of it is a 10. Thank you for this gem!
Well at least I’m being useful somehow ;)
So it confirms that Netflix’s The Bubble was a documentary on the making of?
Ouch, this sounds like one to avoid. Thanks WDW Pro!
This sounds suspiciously like a Kathleen Kennedy production. Did Chapek silently fire her and she is now at Universal?
Nah. It WAS however done by Money-Grubbin’ loons who have way too much free time on their hands, and so decided to adopt the worst possible scripts for a franchise sequel to make some dosh.
So in short, people similar to Kathleen Kennedy. Money DOES make Hollyweird go around after all…
My dog could poop a better screenplay than this movie. It was so bad. My friends and I snarked and roasted the movie the whole entire time we watched it . Something we would never do. We kept expecting the Titanic to randomly appear on the screen or The Brady Bunch. That’s how random the plot was. Children were running up and down the stairs imitating the dinosaurs. Between the Dino kids and my friends and I snarking the movie was manageable. At least 10 people walked out of the theater. If you must see it turn it into a drinking game. Every time Chris puts his hand ? up to tame a ?, take a drink.