When Pro contacted me about being on The Pro Show this week (which as you read this you know I happily agreed to do), I innocently asked him “So what’s up?” and what I meant by that was “Hey, we KNOW the stockholder call was garbage, we KNOW Snow White is a goner, so is there any NEW outrageous dumbness from the Mouse coming up?”
But before we move on from here, I thought maybe, just maybe, you’d not be utterly surfeited (is that a word?) with the no-business-like-Snow-business story to join me on a little journey into the “What if?” universe and consider what could have been (and this is NOT yet another review of the awful film because I famously HATE reviews that tell you what the reviewer WOULD have made instead of dealing with what is there on the screen).
So, ready? C’mon everybody…let’s Gooooooo!
Dopey in the Live Action Snow White movie – YouTube, Disney
FIRST….if you decide to do a live-action redux of a classic animated feature that happens to be THE movie that made your company, what if you had the respect for it to just remake it, even frame-for-frame? What if you did it in tribute to the past glory that literally resulted in everything since? What if, even with all the modern politico-social fervor you’re feeling and encouraging in your people, you said “No, not this time, gang. We’ll take the heat if some people say it is dated or say the kiss that saves the heroine is not invited or anything about those little fellows—let’s just do the original proud pure and simple.”????
WELL….if you did that, even throwing in a new song or two, it might not be a massive hit, it might just be “OK” with both critics and at the box office, but at least it wouldn’t become a FAMOUS disaster as this now is.
Rachel Zegler singing in the Snow White Trailer – YouTube, Disney
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At least it wouldn’t take the dubious honor of being in the it-stinks-beyond-all-else-that-has-ever-stinked spot it now holds for, one can hope, all time. And it would have been out a year ago and wouldn’t have cost so much or been such a focus of attention.
What if?
AND THEN…what if…when the young actress you hired went off on her anachronism tizzy to the media, you had simply smiled and said, while shrugging your shoulders, “Ah, well, these actresses nowadays…” and given the whole thing a “Whaddya gonna do about them crazy types, anyhow?” What id you DOWNplayed it as her personality and her right and neither approved nor disapproved but just MINIMIZED and privately told her to sit down, shut up, and cool it until the movie was out and had done what it could?
Rachel Zegler as Snow White in Snow White (2025), Walt Disney Studios
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I mean, wouldn’t that have worked? Deflecting what was an individual’s nonsense from the company’s responsibility? ESPECIALLY in a time when your other wokeness stuff was getting grief, alienating audiences for your movies and theme parks and everything?
I mean, wouldn’t that have been a sensible, dare I say adult way to manage a big joint like Mouseville?
What If?
AND LASTLY, I wonder, now that it IS out there and WAS mismanaged and mismade, cost a crazy fortune, will lose a bigger one, taint your rep further and cast aspersions quite rightly on your management acumen and all of that, there’s a last BIG “What If?” to ponder.
The Evil Queen in Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs (1937), Walt Disney Productions
What if a family—just trying to live their lives, working hard, going to school, growing up, and making it through these tough economic times—decides to visit Disneyland? They aren’t reading the media press. They’re not tuned into the hundreds of controversies surrounding the company—from broken animatronics and sewage leaks to malfunctioning lights that blink when they’re not supposed to. They’re unaware of the strange movie characters, the abuse of employees, or the broader decline of The Walt Disney/Iger Company.
They’ve simply saved their money, planned a trip, and now the kids, mom, and dad climb into a little ride vehicle on something called Snow White’s Scary Adventures. And the only version of Snow White they’ve ever seen… is this movie?
Snow White in Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs (1937), Walt Disney Studios
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Are they gonna wonder who that prince is, feel deprived of the gallant girlboss revolutionary when they see her merely dancing with those little guys, or otherwise be disappointed that “their” Snow White is nowhere to be found?
Or will they say in sudden awakening, “Where has THIS been all my life?” This is…sweet! Nice! Family! Fun!
And will they, unlike with either the movie if still in theaters or any home video incarnation of this new disaster of a flick, want to ride the ride…again? And maybe come back again to do so? All the while buying popcorn in or out of fancy buckets, staying at hotels on site, and even taking home souvenirs of THIS Snow?
The Seven Dwarfs in Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs (1937), Walt Disney Studios
Oh, and what if….that was the POINT of making a movie about an old German legend? And what if Igerdom just plain missed the point?
What if. What if. What if.
Because, you see, a dream IS a wish your heart makes…if your heart understands love in the first place. What if. What if…?
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